Happy SNL

Today's happy moment comes from a place that's always trying and rarely succeeding in making me laugh... long running T.V. show Saturday Night Live. Every Sunday I turn on the previous nights episode and let it play as background noise while I do my laundry, give myself a manicure or straighten my hair. Occasionally I'll look up from my pile or put down my comb and smile, almost always at some joke from weekend update or one of the unpredictable but at times hilarious Digital Shorts.  This week the host was Justin Timberlake who's recent performance in The Social Network proved once and for all that the bastard really is good at everything. (Also, am I the only person who's certain that he's a really nice guy in person even though I have literally nothing whatsoever to base this on.) The musical guest was Lady Gaga who's songs are like every relationship I've ever had, I start off hating them, learn to love them and ultimately get sick of listening to them and stop bothering to turn them on.  (That was a stupid attempt at humor...maybe I don't deserve better SNL) This episode was hilarious and everything the show should be, the majority of skits actually made me laugh, but more than anything most people seemed to actually know their lines (with the exception of the guy in the opening skit). I know this might seem like a small thing but there are few things more annoying than watching the cast members and/or host blatantly struggle to read the cue cards. I don't want to say anything else and ruin the episode for anyone who might still be planning to watch it. I just want to let the writers and cast know (because eventually they'll stumble upon this blog) good job, way to end with the kind of show that will keep you alive for another season.

“God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” - Voltaire

Fuck Insomnia

I usually don't have any problem falling asleep. I'm one of those lucky people who get's into bed, turns off the T.V. and within a few minutes of my head hitting the pillow I'm out. I'm also lucky to experience the most amazingly vivid dreams, often finding myself on some incredible adventure that even the small part I remember when I wake up leaves me hoping I pick up in the same place that following night. Last night I remember flashes of my family in the back of the 18 wheeler truck I was driving, ahead of us lay an obstacle course wrought with danger. I watched as each truck before us fell victim to the hazardous trail, bursting into flames or gaining too much speed and loosing control...eventually they all burst into flames. When our turn came I somehow navigated our truck across the hazardous terrain all the way to safety. I know there was much more to it, constantly facing and overcoming certain death my family and I survived. I woke up feeling accomplished, rested and reassured that in the face of adversity we would prevail in dreams or reality. I'm the first one to admit it's cheesy, but something about a good, vivid adventure dream makes the whole day better...it put's into perspective how surreal life is. Not to sound like a crazy shroomer but does anyone else ever wonder about the possibility of dreams being the world where we really live and this being the limbo? I guess it's a reflection of the "life" we're living, I'm sure those people who live more adventurous lives and take more risks, care and wonder less about the meaning of dreams. For that matter they're probably less concerned with a possible afterlife...why worry about what comes next if you're living this life to the fullest. I spend way too much time watching T.V, I worry too much about work and money and care too much about how I look and what other people think about me. I want to take more risks and worry less about other people's problems, I want to ask for the time off that I deserve and take a week long vacation without checking my phone. I want to drink Margaritas on an empty beach, read a trashy romance novel in a hammock and take a sketchy plane ride to quiet island. I want to enjoy every day as much as possible and try not to let them keep blending into weeks and months, becoming years behind my back. I want to plan more things to look forward to so I never forget the reason I work as hard as I do.  Most nights I'm in bed by 6, eating food I shouldn't be eating and wasting precious time on mindless television. Most nights I look forward to falling asleep and entering the amazing world of dreams that's waiting for me but my real dream is waiting to be lived. All I need to do to live my dream is exercise on a regular basis, not poison my body with toxic food and honor invitations from friends, because the truth is all I want is to know that even my most fantastical dreams pale in comparison to the life I'm living.

 "You see things and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were and I say "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw

Image Courtesy of Prateek Gupta

Fuck Traffic

I don't know how it is in the rest of the world but living in Los Angeles you get used to dealing with ridiculous traffic on a daily basis, you accept that it's going to take you 1/2 an hour to get from your office to your home less than a mile away. Eventually I learned to accept my commute, ignoring the shocked  remarks of out of state visitors, but there's only so much a person can take. For some reason that I genuinely pray someone will explain to me, the powers that be have decided the next 6 months are the perfect time to perform major road work on two of the most frequently used roads on the Westside, Wilshire and Sunset Boulevard. I understand that all of this is necessary to widen the bridge as part of the $1 billion Project to add a carpool lane on the 405 NORTH between the 10 and 101. I know that the 405 is one of the most congested freeways in the world, I used to be one of the people who rolled the dice on daily basis, never knowing if it would take me 20 minutes or 2 hours to get to work. I truly feel the pain of those people stuck in the overflow that blocks up every secret side street and hidden canyon you know all because some idiot crashed into the divider while checking their Facebook status.That's why I moved. I chose to spend twice the amount of money a month because I realized that I was turning me into someone who threatened old ladies and wrote down license plate numbers (It calmed me to know that the person who cut me off might now be wondering what information I was collecting and how I could use it to punish them).  I packed, and painted, and unpacked, and nailed and hung and screwed (not the fun kind) and cut back and made compromises so I wouldn't be able to blame every gray hair I plucked from my head on the three hours each day it took me to commute. Now I sit behind the old ladies in Cadillacs that don't know red from green, watching in helpless rage as Assholes in Audi's and Range Rovers speed past me on the shoulder, impatiently slamming on their horn when some deservedly righteous individual refuses to be the person who validates their actions. I incorrectly predict that today the middle lane will move as fast as it did yesterday when I sat still in the left lane, or unfortunately assume that the person I allow to cut me off will at least appease me with a wave to acknowledge "Hey Thanks! I know I'm a douche bag with manners." I've personally never been a fan of guns, I grew up in London where they're banned and shootings are few and far between. Since this roadwork first started, and every time I drive past the sign that reminds me how long it will last, I tell myself that just because I crossed paths with more than a dozen people on today's drive that's actions warrant violence, I am not going to by a Glock.  I do however still have days when I close my eyes (it's safe, we're not moving in this traffic) and picture myself as the hero who laid down the unwritten law of courtesy on Wilshire Boulevard, picking out those above the law of the lanes and defending the rights of the few remaining followers of the law. In closing I just want to say to the team of geniuses who shared this vision "Fuck You". I only hope your own commutes give you times to think about the pain your have caused.

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life." -  Marilu Henner

Picture courtesy of Curtis Perry

Fuck Birds

Twenty years after the fact I'm finally willing to admit to my parents that not letting me watch Saved by the Bell with my friends might have actually been to my benefit. On the other hand I'm pretty sure that "Classic Movie Night" my family clearly resulted in my current and, I'll admit, somewhat irrational fear of feathered creatures. I'm not sure how old I was the first time I saw Alfred Hitchcock's classic film The Birds, all I know is the impact it had on me was more than the film maker himself could have foreseen. It's not uncommon to find yourself sitting on a restaurant patio, watching birds land on a neighboring table and begin foraging on leftovers. I'm the person six tables away demanding to be moved inside, screaming irrationally at friends and servers alike, holding my arms up to protect my eyes (everyone knows these are a favorite snack for birds.) The casual walk from my apartment to my car becomes an all out sprint when I notice the pigeons beginning to gather on the telephone pole across the street. The private victory isn't over until I've driven far enough away to make breaking through the windshield an unlikely possibility. I realize this is an unavoidable fear and while I know how ridiculous it is to be afraid of something I eat on a regular basis,  trying to understand it is just as impossible as avoiding it. I quietly take comfort in enemies mysterious death, ancient poems, and the occasional game of Angry Birds.

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy." - Richard Bach

Picture Courtesy Of Mommyvictory

Fuck Me

I've been on and off diets for the last two years...ever since I saw a picture that a friend posted on Facebook that made it no longer possible or me to deny the fact that I'm fat. I'm aware that it's nothing more than my own choices keeping me trapped in a body I no longer recognize. I have a job I resent, friends I don't spend enough time with and a family I don't deserve. This blog is a place for me to vent about the ridiculous thing in my life that upset me, but I want to lead with the fact that I'm well aware of how lucky I am. I wish I could wake up every morning filled with appreciation, wearing a smile all day in honor of the people who deserve my life. Odds are nobody will stumble upon this self serving and ridiculous blog, so I intend to treat it like nothing more than my own cathartic bulletin board. A place where I can openly vent about the everyday obstacles and distractions I face that take me away from the perfect existence I should be spending every moment appreciating. 

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” - James Dean







Picture courtesy of alshepmcr's

Fuck Arnold

Just in case you've just returned home from some sort of information free retreat or are reading this months from now, long after the media has moved on to the next equally predictable scandal, currently the world is stunned after learning that Arnold Schwartenegger, notorious womanizer and former bodybuilder, has a 13 year old illegitimate son. But why is anyone surprised? Infidelity and Politics go together like quarterbacks and super models. Politicians including Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer and Mark Foley, actors from Brad Pitt to Jude Law and who could forget the tale of Tiger Woods. John F. Kennedy's relationship with Marilyn Monroe is legendary and yet somehow people continue to throw up their arms in shock and disgust at every predictable turn. Using nothing more than the admissions of friends and my own experience I'd venture to say that most people cheat. We wish it wasn't true, we want to believe in true love, happy endings and finding our one and only. We don't want to accept the fact that all we really want is a white dress and a big wedding and the perfect ring. The fact is if you ask any married person who's willing to tell you the truth they'll tell you that it's hard work and compromises, choosing when to argue and when to concede, accepting the friends and family that come with them and hoping that the person you're going to become will still be willing to fight for the person that they'll become. I'm not saying that what Arnold or any cheating husband did is okay, it's deplorable. They made a promise they didn't keep. They hurt people deeply and in his case destroyed a family that never saw it coming. I'm just saying let's not kid ourselves, relationships are mostly hard work peppered if your lucky with enough good memories to keep you going when you're ready to give up.


"Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener." - Anonymous